Pick your battles

Leo Halepli I live by the phrase "Pick your battles"

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Joseph Riggio Maybe you shouldn't ;)

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Leo Halepli Why?

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Joseph Riggio 1) Why have battles at all? (bad presupposition IMO)

2) What if you didn't walk away and resolved everything right then and there, instead of the bad habit of leaving the impression that something has changed when it hasn't.

3) The true warrior cannot pick the battles that come to him, they only fester ... or emasculate him, then they become rapists.

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Leo Halepli 1) I think of battles as situations that will repeat and I'm unwilling or incapable of accepting. And battling is one of the ways of making sure I find myself in a different circumstance next time around. 2) How else do you suggest I resolve everything right then and there? I do not understand the part of your comment after instead. I'd appreciate if you care to explain. 3) True ... that's how a true warrior operates ...

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Joseph Riggio 1 & 2 collapse ...

Either it's something you care enough to want to address and do something about ... or it's the other person's issue, so why not leave it to them to deal with on their own, as opposed to becoming enmeshed in other people's issues. I normally find that people who "battle" are co-dependent in their battles.

If it's something that you want to do something about then "Make it so." (as Capt. Jean-Luc Picard would say). Follow these steps:

1) let the other person know exactly where you stand without compromise
2) decide on the exact action you need to take to make it so, and act on it, ideally without hesitation
3) accept the consequences of your actions, including the repercussion in the relationship, or even it's end
4) refuse to accept any alternative you can't live with, and agree to just to "keep the peace" (unless that's an alternative you can live with through time, and it's not a subtle form of bullshit and deception on your part)

So it becomes simple actually. Either you care enough to need to engage around whatever's come up, or not.

Sometimes BTW the other person's need to battle is due to your actions (or inaction), and the most appropriate response following the four-step process I've outlined is to SINCERELY APOLOGIZE (again not subtly bullshit and deceive).

A SINCERE APOLOGY is one where not only are you apologetic, but where you're prepared to take action immediately to resolve what you've created, and to refrain from repeating that behavior in future at all costs.

An INSINCERE APOLOGY (bullshit and deception) is one where you apologize knowing you cannot or will not do what is necessary to ensure that there won't be a repeat of the same initiating disturbance, but you're doing it to "keep the peace" and "move on" so you don't have to address what's really happening in the relationship.

This isn't easy and requires a great deal of maturity and self-awareness ... more than most people possess, so they battle instead.

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Leo Halepli Good answer. Thank you. Your answer includes the assumption that people are capable of learning (refrain from repeating that behavior in the future, doing something else instead). I've found it's a rare individual who is willing, and rarer still to be capable of such a sincere apology, let alone sustaining the new behavior through time.

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Joseph Riggio Leo, I'd argue that's there's unlikely to ever be a time where you don't have the ability to make that choice sincerely, i.e.: believe I can and will do what it take to remedy this situation, or I don't believe I can do anything to remedy this situation that is sustainable for me (and you).

So since we are all human we do and will fuck up, repeatedly (the only ones who don't are those that are too ignorant about themselves to recognize it when they do, or are just pathological liars ... even to themselves).

Now despite that, and beyond honest mistakes and human foibles, we can and often do know what is and is not possible for us given where we are in a moment.

We therefore have the choice to acknowledge that we cannot make promises we can't keep, even those we'd like to be able to make, so we must accept that for what it is ... again, even at the cost of the relationship.

That still falls in the category of SINCERE APOLOGY, i.e.: "I'm sorry I can't do anything about that and commit to taking significant action to stop it from happing again, or keep it up through time." That's a hard statement to make for most people, but then again most people aren't actually honest, not even with themselves.